Jory's Stories

This is where all of my humorous stories from my past are going to go while I am compiling them. If you like them feel free to donate to "Jory's Fine Art Fund using the "Make a Donation" button, it will be appreciated greatly!

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Another one of these...ugh.

Sunday, August 07, 2005


Every person has a story. The beginning of a person’s story varies by the person, some people have a story that begins with their birth, for others it begins with their first day of school, or their first kiss, some people don’t find their story beginning until they enter high school or college, or even their first day on the job. The end of a person’s story varies as well, some people have a story that influences humankind for the rest of history, others have a story that impacts years of family tradition, and still others have a story that ends with their death and the rest of the world never hears about them at all. Within a person’s story are chapters, pivotal moments that define the tone and direction of the story. My particular story is a little bit different. My story was defined on the day of my conception. The course of events, although not predetermined, followed and continue to follow the same direction and tone; God is playing a joke on me and no matter how absurd it seems, the punch line is always the same; Strange, funny, and ridiculously ironic things are going to happen to me and follow me until the day I die, and there is nothing I can do about it. So, the story that is Jory Dan Johnson really ended on that day, before I was ever even born, everything after that is more like a collection, that follows the same theme, over and over, this collection is what I have dubbed “Jory’s Stories.”

The strangeness here is that my story actually begins with conception as well. The irony being that I believe that life begins at birth, if for no other reason than prior to the moment that a person’s umbilicus is cut they are little more than a parasite bound to the will and actions of another. The funny thing, God’s first joke on me began on August 7th, 1973. My father’s birthday, which just happens to be exactly nine months prior to my birth date, May 7th, 1974. See what I mean, He sticks me with this extreme individualist, liberal, secular point of view and then throws me into my mother as a result of a birthday present wherein the irony simply cannot be overlooked. Sure you could say that the nine month time frame is actually a better defined as a gestational period of about two hundred sixty six days, but you hear nine months in your grade school maturation program, and I am convinced that regardless of the actual day of my conception, He wanted me to realize at that maturation program that if I counted out the months from August to May the number was nine. Beyond that, He wanted me to also realize that my youngest brother who was born on December 11th was born exactly nine months following my mother’s birthday, March 11th. Real funny, a life of contradiction, He might as well have had me come out with a little mini-Bible in my hand to go along with my views of organized religion.

The stories that will follow hopefully will inspire you to see the humor, contradictions, and strange happenings in your own life, or maybe you will just have a fun time laughing at me. I don’t mind if all I do is make you laugh, after all, it seems like God is getting a pretty good laugh out of it Himself, and He shouldn’t be the only one having a good time at my expense.