Jory's Stories

This is where all of my humorous stories from my past are going to go while I am compiling them. If you like them feel free to donate to "Jory's Fine Art Fund using the "Make a Donation" button, it will be appreciated greatly!

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Another one of these...ugh.

Monday, January 22, 2007

Just For You...

In all the drama and day to day nonsense that seems to consume my time, I want you to know that there is nothing in this life that means more to me than you. Today is the day that should have been. The day that we should be beginning your adventure. I'm sorry if it seems like I am preoccupied with the life that is, with the world that keeps on turning. I wake up each morning with your name in my mind, and wonder how I can keep on going. The motions are automatic and even though I don't consciously try, I just go on living, thinking the whole time that any second I am just going to fade away and become the ghost that I feel like. I am not supposed to be here without you. Today is for you and it always will be, just for you, everything else will be on hold, I hope that you can find a way to be proud of me and forgive me for not being able to protect you like a father is supposed to, I am sorry and I don't think I will ever be able to forgive myself. Know that I love you, believe that I miss you, and trust that everyday you are the first and last thing on my mind. You will always be my baby boy, no amount of time will ever change that, today will always be the day that should have been, the day that I will cry and reflect on all of the wonderful things that are supposed to be. I will worry about tomorrow when it comes, there is no room for anything but you today.

I love you Jack always and forever.
Your Dad

Sunday, August 07, 2005


Every person has a story. The beginning of a person’s story varies by the person, some people have a story that begins with their birth, for others it begins with their first day of school, or their first kiss, some people don’t find their story beginning until they enter high school or college, or even their first day on the job. The end of a person’s story varies as well, some people have a story that influences humankind for the rest of history, others have a story that impacts years of family tradition, and still others have a story that ends with their death and the rest of the world never hears about them at all. Within a person’s story are chapters, pivotal moments that define the tone and direction of the story. My particular story is a little bit different. My story was defined on the day of my conception. The course of events, although not predetermined, followed and continue to follow the same direction and tone; God is playing a joke on me and no matter how absurd it seems, the punch line is always the same; Strange, funny, and ridiculously ironic things are going to happen to me and follow me until the day I die, and there is nothing I can do about it. So, the story that is Jory Dan Johnson really ended on that day, before I was ever even born, everything after that is more like a collection, that follows the same theme, over and over, this collection is what I have dubbed “Jory’s Stories.”

The strangeness here is that my story actually begins with conception as well. The irony being that I believe that life begins at birth, if for no other reason than prior to the moment that a person’s umbilicus is cut they are little more than a parasite bound to the will and actions of another. The funny thing, God’s first joke on me began on August 7th, 1973. My father’s birthday, which just happens to be exactly nine months prior to my birth date, May 7th, 1974. See what I mean, He sticks me with this extreme individualist, liberal, secular point of view and then throws me into my mother as a result of a birthday present wherein the irony simply cannot be overlooked. Sure you could say that the nine month time frame is actually a better defined as a gestational period of about two hundred sixty six days, but you hear nine months in your grade school maturation program, and I am convinced that regardless of the actual day of my conception, He wanted me to realize at that maturation program that if I counted out the months from August to May the number was nine. Beyond that, He wanted me to also realize that my youngest brother who was born on December 11th was born exactly nine months following my mother’s birthday, March 11th. Real funny, a life of contradiction, He might as well have had me come out with a little mini-Bible in my hand to go along with my views of organized religion.

The stories that will follow hopefully will inspire you to see the humor, contradictions, and strange happenings in your own life, or maybe you will just have a fun time laughing at me. I don’t mind if all I do is make you laugh, after all, it seems like God is getting a pretty good laugh out of it Himself, and He shouldn’t be the only one having a good time at my expense.

Friday, December 31, 2004


I All stories are 100% TRUE. If you have preconceived notions about who "Jory" is you may want to rethink them before continuing. If you think I have never used bad judgment, you may just want to navigate away from this page now.

II Names will be altered to protect the guilty. I know, I know, I should let the guilty rot, unfortunately, this could leave me vulnerable to a law suit, and we wouldn't want that.

III Drugs are not for kids. I didn't do any illegal drugs until I was out of high school, and I don't recommend any underagers doing them either. That said, when talking of illegal drugs, they are, of course, illegal, so in that regard I should say, I don't recommend that ANYONE do ANYTHING illegal, not because of any potential risks, but, just because it is ILLEGAL. I would however recommend that everyone reconsider the idea that drugs, particularly marijuana, are bad. From the information that I have read, the most dangerous things about marijuana are:
A)Who you have to buy it from.
B)Where you have to go to buy it. And,
C)That you might get arrested.
All three of these dangerous consequences would be removed if MARIJUANA WERE MADE LEGAL. There will be stories that involve the use of all types of drugs. That said, illicit drug use is, by definition, illegal, and I do NOT condone or advocate or recommend that ANYONE do ANYTHING ILLEGAL, since that would just be irresponsible.

IV Drinking and driving is not funny. I have done it, I got lucky. There are stories that will involve drunk driving. Please do not drink and drive, for that matter don't drive stoned or while hallucinating either, it may seem like fun, but, it just isn't worth the risk and as I said above in section III: I do NOT condone or advocate or recommend that ANYONE DRIVE DRUNK, since that would just be irresponsible.

V This disclaimer may be changed in the future without prior notification.

VI All stories are protected by US copywrite law. Please don't use them without permission from the me. I will probably let you use them, but, I must request that you ask first (and if I become a big hit you may have to pay me too).